Day 20 of 84

I know that to succeed at changing my weight from too much to just right, the journey is a slow and steady process. That understanding is part of why I am not eating a slice (a huge slice) of the cheese cake that is in the fridge. Why would I even contemplate the sweet creaminess of that, oh so not worth the momentary silkiness on the tongue. Because the scale is not moving. Ok, Ok. A change of over 10 lbs averaged over three weeks is the correct rate to keep the weight off. But I mean, really. I am careful about what I am eating (even if it is not enough) and I am working out, raising the heart rate, working up a sweat, on a daily basis. Yes my clothes are looking too big. In fact a favorite sweater is so now too big and I was told I looked doughty wearing it. So out it will go. So I guess that means the weight is just getting rearranged and muscles are being built back up. That is why I am writing this and not succumbing to a temptation that has been a pattern in the past.

Day 19 of 84

Oh to remember how to see through the eyes of a young person. My niece was visiting and wanted to go to the gym with me. So I took her and her mom on a tour. The Ooooh’s and Aaahhh’s from the 14 year old were non stop. And that was before we actually went for a work out. I will say this for her though, she is an excellent workout partner. Mostly because she makes it seem effortlessly. And she wants to try it all. Oh the enthusiasm. Yes, I will remember this day and try to keep the wonder of it in the days to come when I don’t want to go to the gym or work out as hard as I should.

day 18 of 84

Saturday, a day I rested from working out. So I rested. I napped (twice) and I feel like I am missing something. Who would have thought that working out six times a week for over two weeks would have left me wanting more, but I do. I guess I am starting to enjoy it. What a concept.
So the trial, excuse me, lesson for today was….”The Dinner Party”. I survived the family picnic. Which when I think about it was not that hard really. All I had to do was keep moving. Then no one really knows if I ate Aunt Sally’s potato salad or sampled Uncle Jim’s pasta bowl. Of course that was the same ruse used when I didn’t wanted to explain the thirds and forth’s I was eating. The family picnic did not really challenge me as much as I thought it would. But a dinner party in the home is an entirely different scenario. There is less space to roam and all that decadence is sitting right there calling, and tempting, and smelling soooo good. But I stuck to my decision. I did not even taste the chip and salsa. Nor did I rationalize that the spinach dip could be considered one of my veritable servings’ for the day. But the really hard part, the one temptation that I literally had to walk away, leave the room, shut the door on was the fresh bread that was just screaming to be dipped in olive oil. I made a choice. I did walk away. And yes, there was a very big sigh (actually several) as I slowly walk up the stairs. I stuck to my decision that I am shedding this weight once and for ever. Now I did have two bites (literally two bites) of cheese cake. If I am going to accept that there are things that I will not be able to eat, ever again, then there should be a few things I can still enjoy, just in moderation. Even if moderation is just a bite or two.

Day 17 of 84

This is harder than it looks. I mean, every day. Don’t skip or forget because the back slide is there just waiting for you to slip up. Because it is way too easy to miss one day and think that you are just taking a “rest” day. And then the next day you don’t have the same initiative to do it again. So you tell yourself, well there is always tomorrow and you can get re-started. I mean it is not like you don’t have the desire to continue it is just the bed calls so loudly for you to come and lay down for just a little while. The TV is waiting patiently with all the shows you look forward to watching. And there is always later and you do need a little unwinding after a long day at work.

Well I did skip yesterday (again) but here I am today. Writing this blog. Oh, I have been going to the gym and working out every day. It is the sitting down and writing. Digging through the whys of it all that is so hard. But I will persevere. I will get through this phase that seems like I am not making any headway.

day 15 of 84

Today I was tired by the time I got home. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and stay there till morning.

But I didn’t. I did take a nap for about an hour. Woke up. Got dressed and went to the gym. I walked ¾ mile on elliptical machine and then did some weights for arms.

I felt good that I worked through the pain. Not the pain of working out and sore muscles but the pain of breaking old habits. So I have come to the conclusion that I have had a three week limit on my past attempts. When I get to week four and five and …. I will know and more importantly, believe that I can accomplish this goal. And I am keeping that goal in the front of my mind, in my consciousness, that my goal is once I shed this weight and I will not go looking for in once it is gone.

Day 14 of 84

Yes, I missed posting yesterday.

I did go to water aerobics and had a good time. A different teacher but also different routines. I still wonder how working out in water will ease stiff and tight muscles.

Well today I went to a non-water aerobics class. Zumba. Dancing exercise. I really liked it. I had to work at some of the moves because of my knees. But I look forward to the very near future when I can do all the moves.

Well the issue of eating came up again today. Actually it came twice in the same hour. A friend I was talking with reminded me of the need to eat right. Not just healthy but the right quantity as well as quality. And then my daughter said almost the same words. I guess with you ask a question you should be ready for the answer. And since I really don’t know all the answers (just most) I need to listen to what is being said.

While the brain understands the words it is the ego that is not listening. I am reminded of how my 3 year old grandson hears only what he wants to hear. My inner 3 year old is only hearing how I will be slim and healthy while my 54 year old brain is saying only if you eat correctly. So I am going on a time out. I am stopping the tantrum of yabuts. Ya, but I can’t, no time…. And ya but I don’t have… I am going for the small butt instead. So small meals with the right snacks in between. Yes, when preaching to the choir you can be sure what you are saying is being heard.

Day 12 of 84

That old feeling has returned. I don’t feel the motivation to go to the gym. I want to eat something sweet and fatty and creamy and…and…

Make it go away…. But that is my choice. It has always been my choice to make. So many times I would just like to be told what to do, what to eat. Then of course when someone does I want to rebel and say, “No, I know better. I can to it on my own” etc. etc. That old feeling. Round and round it goes.

This morning after checking out of the hotel we went to breakfast. I ordered a vegi omelet and seasonal fruit. Doing good right? Well I sat there eating even after I was full. My daughter asked if I liked what I ordered. I told her it was good just that I was just not hungry. I was full and still had half the omelet left on the plate. And I sat there trying to finish. Then she asked the ultimate question: “If you’re full why are you still eating?” My daughter, the smart one. Old habits, old ways: “Clean your plate”, “starving something somewhere would love to have your left over eggs”, “When I was young all I had to eat were pinto beans”, oops, TMI. Anyway. I pushed the plate away (yes with hesitation) but then any new habit starts with the first half eaten plate of food.

Tomorrow, water aerobics. Yes, back to a “normal” routine.

Day 12 of 84

OK, so I don’t think as of 10 pm tonight that I will make it to the gym. But I will allow myself a pass. A high school graduation and then family picnic qualify in my books for a good reason not to get to the gym.

But more important than missing a day of working out is setting goals and boundaries. It is about understanding and accepting that one missed day does not mean I have been sidelined, never to return to my routine. This has been the problem in the past. I would start “eating right” or “working out” and then life would happen. Something would require me to make a choice. And because some things in life only give you the opportunity once there is no choice. Life is to be lived. Memories are to be made. The gym will be there tomorrow. And keeping this in the consciousness of my thought patterns will be what aids me in shedding the extra weight and keeping it away from me.

Day 11 of 84

Day 11

Well this will be an off day. Between a 3 hour drive and then swimming with a 3 kids under 7 I may have gotten a bit of a work out but can’t say my heart rate went up. Well there was the time the little ones headed for the 5’ deep end.

And about that drive. Having learned to drive in the Denver Metro area, I am use to road trips. If you wanted to go to the mall you drove 15 miles without thinking twice. I was in my mid twenty’s when a city bus finally came anywhere near our neighborhood. And even then you could not always get from here to there on a bus. And then there were the long road trips. By long I mean 3-7 hours at a time. And even if I wasn’t the one driving I would snack to keep awake. Chips, pretzels, soda, coffee, candy. Using the “if I eat I won’t sleep” method of traveling. This trip was different. Oh, I still wanted to snack but this time I just picked up some turkey jerky and mixed nuts. And I brought a large bottle of water with me. Yes I missed the candy and soda but this is all about changing habits and attitudes not just shedding the pounds.

I had fun at the water park. I enjoyed playing with the little ones and when they were with other parents/aunts/etc. I went and swam with the big kids. Slides and wave pools. Yes, I had a grand time. Until…..the big, soft, salted, pretzels arrive in front of me. Well the kids did need a snack after all. But when I thought of stepping on the scale yesterday at the gym and seeing another 4 lbs gone. Being UNDER 250 was incentive enough to not ask: Where’s mine? As well as to not say, “Are you going to eat all of that”. Two phrases that I am working hard at erasing from my vocabulary.

And tomorrow will bring it’s own challenges. Family picnic…. Need I say more.

day 11 of 84

Intrigued because not to sore or stiff from the workout last night. A good thing I think.

Thursday is water aerobic and I really enjoy this class. And after class I could feel I really worked it.

Tomorrow is Friday and the start of another weekend. And to add to the mix that I am going away to attend a graduation and a family picnic. Now when our family gets together there is food. And I mean really good food. Everyone looks forward to Ms. B’s chicken and greens. Her cabbage is so good even if you don’t like cabbage you would like this. The struggle for me will be the corn bread and potatoes. Now that will just be the food choices at the house. We are also celebrating a life achievement of a young woman who is finishing up her youth and graduating High School only to enter College where her life dreams will take from and lead her to great things. At a picnic celebration we will have covered dish creations that beg to be tasted, over and over again. Now while I know that changing my diet or the way I eat will be a life long change because I do not want the weight I am working so hard on shedding to return. I am also aware that to refuse myself will only lead to rebellion and then over indulgence. So, what to do, what to do.

Well, life happens and I am going to enjoy, really enjoy this weekend with friends and family. If I really, really desire a piece of cake or a special homemade cookie then I will. But just a small piece. It is about balance and moderation. Something that I have had a hard time keeping in mind in the past.

And I have plans on continuing my exercise routines. And I will work a little harder if I do have that cookie.

I will let you know as the days go by this weekend. Oh, and by the way, I weighed in under 250 to night. Officially at 246. And that is the incentive I am talking about.

Day 10 of 84

I had my first work out with my trainer. Although we had met and had an assessment of my fitness (or lack thereof) over a month ago tonight was the first time I could get my schedule to fit into hers. Part of the fitness contest requirements are that I meet with a trainer at least 12 times. And I find out tonight she may have a vested interest in me. If I win the contest, she wins. But it doesn’t matter to her if I come in first, second or third in the contest or don’t place at all. She is a fitness trainer because she likes what she does and because she has been there. She has fought the fine fight against a weighty enemy and won. And by losing she came out victorious. She has shed over 100 pounds and kept it off for some time now. So for her to share her story, her journey, and then to help me and others overcome our heavy issues and gain fitness we are winners. But be assured the chance for a monetary prize is an added incentive.

We did a full body workout using free weigh machines. The only parts that did not get much exercise were my fingers. But I guess they will get their workout on the keyboard. My trainer had me start with the legs using the weight machines and doing three repetitions of one minute each with a minute break in between. And yes, the full 60 seconds (well 59.59 seconds one time). She used a stop watch so there was no guess work. The only exercise that made me look to see how much more time I had left was one that worked the shoulders. And I looked about at the stop watch at 45 seconds into the rep each time. Pushing 20 lbs, no wait, I backed it down to 10 lbs., straight up over my head took all my concentration because that was the only time I quit talking.

My jaw got quite a work out. I guess I was nervous because I talked and talked and made excuses as to why I haven’t been eating right. Not enough vegetables and good carbs. Can’t seem to eat breakfast, lunch, etc. The good trainer she is, she did not let me hide behind the “Why I Can’t” statements. So now is the time to face that excuse monster. To shed light on it and see it for what it really is…fear of being. By learning to be my true self and true to myself, I will be able to do that victory dance in my right size jeans.

Day 9 of 84

Today even though I was tired, I did go to the gym. I did aerobic exercises. All that really means is I worked up a sweat and had bouts of heavy breathing. I know other ways to do this but being over weight has kept those options at zero. I don’t even want to think about jogging when just walking from a parking lot into a store takes my breath away. And not in a good way. So being tired I slacked at my work out. That’s when I realized the truism of the saying, “You only get out what you put in” But that has been my way of life for some time. What I have been putting in my mouth has been getting out all over my hips and rear. And ankles and calves and, well all over.

Tomorrow will be different. I will work out harder than I have ever worked out in quite a while. That is because I have an appointment with a trainer tomorrow. My first of 12 training sessions during the contest period. She said we would do a full body workout. I don’t know what this will entail but I suspect I will do everything she says with a smile on my face and a grumble under my breath. You see, I am paying her to show me how to make my body do something it hasn’t done in years, use muscles for something other than a place for fat deposits. And I intend to be a fast learner. I want, no let me correct that wording, I desire to have long lean muscles that will allow me to keep up with my grandson when he rides his bike around the neighborhood. I desire the flexibility to sit on the floor with my granddaughter while she plays with her dolls. I will do what the trainer asks because I will achieve my goals of a healthy weight and life style.

Day 8 of 84

It is the start of week 2. Standing on the scale I see it is 5 lbs less. Whoo hoo!!! But what is even more amazing to me is that I can see an improvement in my stamina during water aerobics class.

And today I found another way I was making excuses. Another way I was hiding from what I think I want and what I seem to desire. I started this blog to hold myself accountable and on point. This is about my choices and my battle to once and for the rest of my life shed the excess weight. I realized I do not have to do this alone. I started writing about this journey and decided to put it out into cyber space knowing that once I press the “Post” button it would be out there, every where and probably forever. I do not believe I am alone with these feelings and confusion when I find what I have lost. My idea was that if I wrote about and explored why I kept wrapping myself up in this fat blanket then I would feel comfortable letting go of it. That if I could break the recordings that made me believe that I need this excess weight to be I would be able to be with less of me. By writing this blog I can work through the whys and wherefores of the Lost and Found of my excess weight I can let it go and not look back.

And then a simple comment by my daughter helped open my eyes to how I was still hiding. Still holding tight to the shield of invisibility. It is interesting how being fat can make you disappear and seem invisible. My loving, straight talking, because she believes in me more than I do at times daughter just simply asked if I had sent the link to this blog to family. If I had invited the people who will and have supported and loved me to see how I am determined to make these changes. And if I had asked friends who care for me and want the best for me to comment or follow along. And I had to answer no. For one reason or another (excuses) I had not sent a simple email with the link attached. Until today.

I am going to learn how to be comfortable being seen. I am going to learn to love myself as much as my daughter does.

Day 7 of 84

Well it has been a week.

Yes, I went to the gym today. Now the gym I go to has three levels. I headed to the upper level, where the treadmills, elliptical machines, bikes and a circuit weight training area are. And wouldn’t you know it, the escalator up was broken. I found myself grumbling about having to walk up the “non-moving” stairs …until I got to the top and saw the “stair steppers”. Then I had to laugh. Why is it that one can pay for a membership to a gym? Drive there and try to park as close as possible so we don’t have to walk very far. Then take an elevator or escalator to a level where we can get on a machine that has a moving walkway so we can run in place or stairs that rotate so we can climb and get no where.

It seems that this attitude is one that has contributed to the need to keep this weight. If I had an appointed time and place then I could work at losing the excess. But if I couldn’t budget the membership, or I had to park too far away, or blah, blah, blah, then I would just wait until the time was right and then I would get to it. When the time was right I would lose these extra pounds of stored energy and the world would see the real Me at my healthy, ideal weight. Seems like the time had never been just right or the escalator was always broken, or I couldn’t find parking or …..

Until this time. This is the right time for me. If the escalator is not moving, I will just step it up and laugh when I get to the top. Change the attitude, change my world.

Day 6 of 84

Well it is an off day for the gym. Have been told muscles need a rest.

Today (Saturday) I went shopping (no, not retail therapy) (well maybe). Old Navy had tank tops on sale for $2 each. Who could resist all those nice colors…and I am going to actually like wearing them this summer.

Weekends have always been hard to keep to any kind of regiment. If on a “diet” or something it seems that the Friday night would roll around and everything would go out the window. Or rather, anything in the house that was edible was eaten. The need to feed was from either being busy doing things or worse, having nothing to do but watch everything I have recorded during the week.

After shopping went to Silver Diner for breakfast. I ordered the spinach/feta omelet. I was proud of myself that I did not go into a long drawn out explanation to the waitress of why I did not want the carbs from the bagel and that I did not launch a tirade of how all those extra fat calories in the home fries would wreck my efforts of going to the gym this past week. I just ordered a substitute of strawberries instead. It was an odd feeling to walk out feeling full but not stuffed. A feeling that I would like to keep repeating.

The rest of day was just a stay at home and not do anything day. And wonder of wonders, I was not trying to find anything (everything) in the house to munch on. I know that part of the lack of interest in “what is there to eat” is because I would have to own up to it here. But I really was not hungry.

So for me, Saturday was a day of rest. Tomorrow, it is back to the gym.

Day 5 of 84

Ok, I realize it has only been 5 days, but come on. What is it about body image that is so out of proportion? I know the weight did not come on all at once. It would seem I worked hard to get to put on this weight and I am going to have to work even harder to let it go. Yet I so crave for the thinner self to emerge…NOW. Big sigh…oh well. It is only day 5 after all. I have been at the gym (and yes, actually gone in) all week. I enjoy working out in the water aerobics classes that are taught twice a week. The other days I have been either walking on the treadmill, riding a bike or using one of the other machines that keep me moving while I listen to music.

I am having trouble eating correctly. The information out there is that it is necessary to eat several small meals in order to keep the body from thinking it is going to starve. Because once the body gets that notion that there might not be enough food to nourish itself the body shifts into motion so that most of what is consumed is packed away for a long hard winter. And it isn’t even July yet. So is it an excuse or a reality that I don’t have the time to eat properly? I have a job that keeps me busy for long hours during the day. I don’t often take a “lunch break” because I am doing this or that for this one or the other. And if I do take time for myself, I am sitting in front of the computer doing this or that.

Who is asking me to not take the time to make sure I eat correctly? Who is requesting that I forgo the mid-morning snack of something good for my body or the afternoon protein to keep my fat burning engine running? When did I conclude that I am less important or deserve less? It is these conclusions of deserving less that has left me with more. More weight than I need on my 5’9” frame.

So the next step is to exercise the mind. Too bad there is not a mental treadmill that I could just put my subconscious on and press the “Quick Start” button. But since there is not, I will do the “look inside and find … _____” routines and see what kind of mind sweat I can work up.

I am going to write out some affirmations to help me explore how to let go of the voices in my head that say “do for others and never mind about yourself”. No I am not hearing voices. It is the recording in my subconscious mind that is repeating (and warping) the words of those I trusted and looked up to when I was much younger. Words that I allowed to shape my thinking and my beliefs. I am now ready to look at those faces (my face) and say: Your words were wrong. I am worthy of love. I am worth much more than I give myself. I will love who I am and when I do, I will want only the best for me. This is not a selfish idealism. This is not conceitedness. If a higher power (God, Infinite Intelligence, Yahweh, Allah) loves me how can I not love myself. Yet that is where I am at the present. I do not like me with this burden of a weighty security blanket. Carrying these extra pounds is really a very heavy load. I am ready to, once and for the rest of my life on this earth, let go and let God. I will learn to love my self because I am worthy of being loved.

But just like it took me time to put it on, I will take the time to take it off. It has only been 5 days after all.

Day 4 of 84

So part of what I want to do here is explore the “why” of it all. Not the “Why Me?” because I know that answer to the question, “Why I weighted”….if you put it in your mouth, it will migrate south.

I have majored in weight lost and found. I have been writing my thesis on this subject for many, many years. I understand that for my body type that eating more protein and less carbs leads to a leaner me. Atkins, South Beach, Ketosis…yep, all of the versions and variations have been tried. Oh they worked. I lost the weight. (Once over 100 lbs.) And I kept it off for over a year. But eventually I found what I had lost and the weight came back. Super sized.

I have augured with myself and tried to justify to my daughter (and others) that “I really don’t eat that much”. And (at times) I don’t. I will argue, with every mouth full, that it is not the quantity of what I eat that keeps me “at large”. But I can not vouch for the quality of “over the lips and past the gums, look out thighs here it comes.” Bread and pasta are among my favorite foods. Along with chips and dip, veggies and dip, fingers and dip…you get the picture. So even having the knowledge of how to seduce my body into a smaller version of itself I never really felt satisfied. There was something I was missing…a large part of me.

So as I progress through this transition I will be working hard at the gym. I will stop being a hypocrite and will put to use the dietary education I have worked so hard to acquire. I will be letting go of the “old” ways of trying to eat for all the starving children in some other country. I will face my fear of “waste not, want not” and change it into “want not, weight not”. And along the way I am looking forward to allowing the inner, thinner self that is longing to take off the heavy blanket of fat cells and show how strong a woman she is. Strong enough to not carry this burden of weight around any more.

Day 3 of 84

Day 3, Wed. June 10, 2010 …. Down 3 lbs since Saturday.

Breakfast was egg salad (light on the mayo) and 8 saltines. I went home for lunch and had a bowl of cabbage soup. Yep, THE cabbage soup. Added some hot sauce to spice it up a bit. Also ate a grapefruit.

Back to work which is mostly a sit down job. No wonders about why I became so out of shape. Well I guess I was in a shape…wide bottomed.

I facilitated an All Message service at Arlington Metaphysical Chapel. If you want to know more about this please email me at cnsitv@juno.com and I will explain. DS was the healer and I ask if she would like to join me. There were only 9 in attendance so it was a very short service.

Then, I did it, again….I went to the gym. I was tired from a long day and so only walked on the treadmill for 30 mins. But I went 1.5 miles and had slight incline for some of it. Then I went to try the weight machine circuit but couldn’t get motivated. So came on home.

Not as sore or stiff as yesterday guess that means my muscles are getting use to this new idea of actually doing what they are meant to do.

Day 2 of 84

Yesterday, Day 1, I worked out in the Monday Water Aerobics class. I have been attending two water aerobics classes for the past couple of weeks. Mondays and Thursdays I can really work up a sweat and no one can tell as we are in the water. The class is an hour long and I really do get a work out. My meal choices of the day were turkey and swiss and a couple of meal replacement shakes.

Today, I had a marvelous salad made by my daughter for dinner last night. And chicken salad from the Italian Store in Arlington VA. I then went the gym (wow, two days in a row) and walked on the treadmill for 30 mins. Rates of 3.5 mph to 2.0 mph. I raised the incline a bit and I got almost as wet (sweat) as I do in water aerobics. Then I peddled my way through the next 30 mins.

I think that the harder part of this journey is going to be posting every night…but I will preserver.

In the next couple of days, I am going to start exploring why, at the very middle age of 54, I still seem to need a security blanket. I am refereeing to my weight. It has been next to me, surrounding me, protecting me for many, many years. I have tried to get rid of the fat cells to only have them come back and bring friends. I am a strong woman. I have lived alone and enjoyed the quiet. I currently live with my daughter and her family and revel in the chaos of a 3 year old and a new born. It is my honor and blessing to have a daily part in the life of my grandchildren. I believe it is because of these two young, energetic sprites in my life that I am delving into why I need the shield I have carried around for so long.

So until tomorrow, and an update on how I am holding on to my determination to go to the gym 6 days a week.

Oh, and I did say I would be brutally honest…I had a about 6 potato chips with my chicken salad. Yes, only about 6 chips. And yes, the rest is in the bag in my desk. Baby steps.

Hi, my name is Cherie. On Saturday I did something I have been wanting to do for most of my adult life. I made a decision. Now this may sound like I am indecisive or that I am being flippant. Let me tell you a little more about my self and maybe you will come to understand why what I did last Saturday is truly a big deal for me.

I am 54 years young and very proud of it. I have lived most of those years. There were some that I sleep walked through, but that is another story to be told later. I am 5 ft 9 inches tall. My hair color is, at the moment, light brown. It can has changed over the years but not in too dramatically. I have been blonde and once, for a very brief time, a Lucy redhead but now days I tend to keep in the light to dark brown ranges. I have light olive skin thanks to my Native American heritage and hazel eyes. Eleven years ago the man I was married to for 16 years became a was-band. I have one daughter who has given me two very beautiful grandchildren. I have friends who live near me, friends who live some distance from me. I have people in my life who have been friends for a few days and some who have known me almost forever.

Enough about me at the moment. And more about why I succumbed to become Blogger. I am computer literate. I have used computers when screens were green, letters where white and a floppy disc really was. I didn't understand why someone would want to write about their lives and who would want to read about it.

But that all changed yesterday. Saturday, June 6, 2010 I went to the gym I where I have been a member for about a month of and signed up for a contest. The contest is about getting in shape. Losing weight and building muscle. Over the next 12 weeks I will be writing about how this journey is going. I promise to be honest. If I eat a potato chip (or bag, I mean really, who can eat just one) I will write it down. If I don't work the full hour of cardio I will tell. But I will also brag if I finally get the scale below 200. Ok, I will brag when it gets below 250.

You see, I don't believe I am alone on this journey. I think there are others out there, in cyber space who have had a similar struggle with shedding the weight. I feel strongly that a very deep rooted reason for my holding on to this protective blanket of fat is because I am scared to be thin. I don't want to be scared any more. I don't want to walk and my ankles hurt or my knees give way. I am almost 55 and I want to enjoy the next 20 or so years. And I have two grandkids who I want to run and play with.

So I invite you to come along. Share with me, if you like, how you shed the weight. Or why you want to give up the security blanket of fat. Is there one way to lose weight and keep it off. Not really. But I plan on exploring how I can change my mind, my thoughts and my self image. I am writing this because I am going to make it this time. I am shedding the weight. It will not be lost because I don't want to find it any more. And by talking about what I intend to do, win this challenge by having the most dramatic change in 12 weeks, I am making myself accountable to any who may chose to read this.

Until tomorrow....and yes, I will post pictures...ugh.