Ok, I realize it has only been 5 days, but come on. What is it about body image that is so out of proportion? I know the weight did not come on all at once. It would seem I worked hard to get to put on this weight and I am going to have to work even harder to let it go. Yet I so crave for the thinner self to emerge…NOW. Big sigh…oh well. It is only day 5 after all. I have been at the gym (and yes, actually gone in) all week. I enjoy working out in the water aerobics classes that are taught twice a week. The other days I have been either walking on the treadmill, riding a bike or using one of the other machines that keep me moving while I listen to music.
I am having trouble eating correctly. The information out there is that it is necessary to eat several small meals in order to keep the body from thinking it is going to starve. Because once the body gets that notion that there might not be enough food to nourish itself the body shifts into motion so that most of what is consumed is packed away for a long hard winter. And it isn’t even July yet. So is it an excuse or a reality that I don’t have the time to eat properly? I have a job that keeps me busy for long hours during the day. I don’t often take a “lunch break” because I am doing this or that for this one or the other. And if I do take time for myself, I am sitting in front of the computer doing this or that.
Who is asking me to not take the time to make sure I eat correctly? Who is requesting that I forgo the mid-morning snack of something good for my body or the afternoon protein to keep my fat burning engine running? When did I conclude that I am less important or deserve less? It is these conclusions of deserving less that has left me with more. More weight than I need on my 5’9” frame.
So the next step is to exercise the mind. Too bad there is not a mental treadmill that I could just put my subconscious on and press the “Quick Start” button. But since there is not, I will do the “look inside and find … _____” routines and see what kind of mind sweat I can work up.
I am going to write out some affirmations to help me explore how to let go of the voices in my head that say “do for others and never mind about yourself”. No I am not hearing voices. It is the recording in my subconscious mind that is repeating (and warping) the words of those I trusted and looked up to when I was much younger. Words that I allowed to shape my thinking and my beliefs. I am now ready to look at those faces (my face) and say: Your words were wrong. I am worthy of love. I am worth much more than I give myself. I will love who I am and when I do, I will want only the best for me. This is not a selfish idealism. This is not conceitedness. If a higher power (God, Infinite Intelligence, Yahweh, Allah) loves me how can I not love myself. Yet that is where I am at the present. I do not like me with this burden of a weighty security blanket. Carrying these extra pounds is really a very heavy load. I am ready to, once and for the rest of my life on this earth, let go and let God. I will learn to love my self because I am worthy of being loved.
But just like it took me time to put it on, I will take the time to take it off. It has only been 5 days after all.
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