Day 39 of 84

While talking with my trainer during a break between what every torture I was willing to submit to, oh, I mean exercise she was overseeing, I realized that I needed to find out why it is working for me now. Why the weight is melting off, why the willingness and drive to exercise. I have done it before. I have lost track of my successes with weight loss. But this success is not a good thing. The reason I have had many successful weight loss routines is because I have regained the weight. But until today I have never really thought about what was the catalyst of those successes. Why did they work, even temporarily, in the first place. I have tried to lose weight and only been discouraged by the lack of results. So why did those past times work? What was it that pushed me over the edge of hesitation so that the inevitable plateau was concurred and the skinny me emerged. It didn’t matter what the syndrome was. The “I wanted to lose weight before my ___ birthday”. “I will get back into those jeans before my grandson is born.” “After he was born”. And on and on the “I want to lose ___ before ___” syndrome. And the added frustration of knowing that I have, in the past, managed to lose the weight. I am looking in on the why’s of it this time. I am forging ahead with very open eyes. I am actually looking at myself in the mirror when I am doing weight exercises. And let me say here, that was not an easy experience. I will shed this weight for the last time. It is not coming back. I am not going to go and look for it until it is found. All my “plus” size clothes are being given away. This time it really is going to be different.

Day 36 of 84

Another weekend almost finished. During the week it is easy to keep thoughts off what might taste good right now and going to the gym is just part of the daily routine. But weekends. These are the days that tries one’s mettle.
But this weekend I devoted to shedding weight in regards to my “stuff”. I have lots of stuff. I can see a pattern in the “stuff” I have and the “stuff” I carry around on me. So clearing out and letting go was not as easy as telling it is.
But I am looking at the things that crowd my space with fresh eyes and a magnified perspective. Who knew shampoo could expire. Also I just recently read that nail polish has a limited life time. If you are having problems with the polish chipping and peeling it may be that it is too old. The old repeating voice that says “don’t waste”, and “you might need that” is still shouting at me. So it is with hesitation, and second (even third) thoughts that I have been shedding excess weight in the living space. And this is an excellent exercise for me to practice so that I can shed excess weight in other areas.

day 34 of 82.

I was watching a recorded Oprah show that was talking about addition to food. There were women who were admitting that their lives revolved around food. They hated how they looked and hated even more that there did not seem to be a way to overcome the comfort or need or desire or _____ that food to gave them.

I could not relate to those feelings. I don’t over eat. I am, at present, over weight. I reached this obese level by not eating the right foods or portions for my body. I got, yes I can say it, fat. I am not saying that I did not turn to food for comfort. I have done that. Potato chips and catsup or potato chips and mustard can bring back fond memories of my youth. And I was not one to turn down a second helping of really creamy mashed potatoes with butter or gravy (sometimes both). But I do not recall turning to a quart of ice cream to make me feel better. I don’t think I turned to fresh hot bread and cool creamy butter to mend a broken heart.

But I did pack on this weight for a reason. That is what I am working to unbury from this excess. To look at the reason or reasons I have needed this security blanket of excess body so I can take it off once and for all. So as I go to the gym I huff and puff, sweat and yes sometimes swear. And I think about the reasons I let myself get so out of shape. Well actually I was a shape, just not one I want to continue to be. I keep reminding myself I am safe and secure and that it is ok to be seen. I am a little less invisible. I am not sure if I am comfortable or I am just faking it until I make it. But I will make it. That much I am very confident about.

Day 33 of 84

When I decided to write this Blog it was to keep myself accountable, and I wanted delve into the “whys” of my seeming determination to re-find any lost weight. At least that is what I have been doing in my past, finding what was lost. I would lose the weight. Sometimes a large amount was lost and sometimes just a few pounds. But then, the fat cells find their way back and usually they brought friends.
Well I have known for some time that a part of the puzzle was that by being overweight I would become less visible to men. Even if a man was attracted to “my personality” I could discount any courting attempts by rationalizing that he could not really want me because there was too much of me.
So now is the time for all grown women to stand and face their fears. Well, at least one grown woman. Is my fear of the attractions and attentions of others because of insecurity or the desire to not let my heart be broken? The insecurity part, yes, definitely. Which is a real puzzle. I am very secure in who I am. I do not, or at least I didn’t believe I needed the approval of others to define who I am and how I am. But at the same time I do not want to be disapproved of. Hence the puzzle.
An eye opening experience came after an intense workout (which is my code for I was really sweaty). I saw my trainer with a client. I took the long way around just to wave at her. It was then I realized that I wanted her to see me at the gym and that I looked like I had been working out. My “ah ha” moment occurred then. Why had I needed her approval? Her acknowledgement of my being there? It was then that I realized that this has been a pattern I have had in place for some time. A pattern that I did not want to keep repeating. I am shedding this weight and I am building these muscles for me. Not for the approval or attentions of others.
I am going to look good, feel comfortable, be flexible, have graceful movements in my own body. I am doing this for myself as well as those I love. I plan on being here for a long time. After all, I want to see and play with my great-grandchildren. I desire to be in a 4-generation picture again. There is a photo where I am with my mother, grandmother and great grandfather. I have a picture of four generations of women in my family where my daughter is the youngest. At the moment I do not have one with my grandbabies with great grandparents. But since it is my goal to be the oldest in a four generation photo I am have my work cut out for me. Do I need someone else’s approval? Yes. I will always need a few in my life to approve of me because that helps me keep me on the straight and narrow. But I realize that what I really need is to approve of myself.

Day 32 of 84

Decisions, Decisions. Choices we make every day affect our life. Should I go right or go left.? Should I hit reply, reply-all, or delete? And many times we decided without thinking about it. It is like we are on autopilot. Spam….delete. Backup on the Beltway…where’s the next exit. Whatever size bag of M&M’s, “oh my, how did I eat the whole bag”? And some choices are thought about long and hard. Hair color, trip to Hawaii, is He the one?
But I am becoming more aware of how often I ate without thinking about what I was putting in my mouth. Without actually tasting what I was consuming. Without enjoying the indulgences I so often indulged in. And that is my current lesson. Concentration on experiencing the flavors of life.
I have addressed the preconceived notion that I HAD to eat everything on my plate. No matter how large that plate might be. No longer will the past habit of not wasting increase my waist. The next lesson is to slow down and actually think about what it is I am eating. Oh, I have much knowledge about the “diet”. This number of veggies be included per day. That much protein should be eaten. And, yes, fat has to be included in the recipe, just the right kind of fat. But it is not just about numbers and portion sizes and calories. Now I have to discipline myself to actually taste what I am putting in my mouth and to concentrate on what it means for the goals I have set.
It is not that I can or can’t have what I am desiring or be seduced to want. (Darn TV commercials.) I am on a course to change my life and lifestyle for the rest of my days on this earth. So, yes, I will be able to enjoy cheese cake or ice cream, eventually. But when I do chose to have “dessert” it will be because I really want it and I will revel in the flavors and textures of what I am eating. And more than anything, I will not eat until I am so full I can’t move just because that first bite tasted so good.

Day 31 of 84

Life. Is it more than just a cereal or a board game? I started out with a determination of a Jack Russell that I would write here every day only to come to the realization I am more like the Jed’s dog on Beverly Hillbillies. All the hyper vigilance has melted into a lazy day on the porch.
I had (yes, past tense) a cold which kept me from continuing my work out routine. In fact one day all I did was sleep. But I am much better now. So today, I was planning on going to the gym. I really do enjoy the Zumba class even if I can’t move my behind in time to the music I still work at it and in my mind I am fine… TMI?? Sorry.
I brought my gym bag with me into work so I could change and go straight to the class. No excuses for me. Not going home and then let the “oh, just sit for a few minutes” gremlins work their mischievous magic. Most of the day thoughts ran through my head. Do I really want to go work out? Of course you do, said the cheerleaders that help me stay focused. Yes, I have a lot of voices in my head (the good kind). Finally it is time to clock out and change clothes. Off to the gym I go. I grab my bag and…and…I only have two towels and my tennis shoes in the bag. I went off and left my gym clothes at home. Oh what a psychologist could say about this.
So I did the only thing I could think of. I went home and cleaned. Did the dishes, folded my laundry and put my forgotten gym clothes in the bag so I can go to the gym in the morning before work.
Maybe Life is just a board game. And I had to take two steps back and wait for my next turn to roll the dice. But just like the board game, I will finish in due time and I will achieve all that I truly desire.

Day 25 of 84

I have been working on a cold. Apparently I have been working quite hard because I still have it. I have had the aches and stuffy head of the commercial variety. So no I have not been to the gym in a few days I have been in bed sleeping. In fact that is all I did yesterday was sleep.

So my goal is to be better Monday so I can go to the gym and get back on track.