Day 33 of 84

When I decided to write this Blog it was to keep myself accountable, and I wanted delve into the “whys” of my seeming determination to re-find any lost weight. At least that is what I have been doing in my past, finding what was lost. I would lose the weight. Sometimes a large amount was lost and sometimes just a few pounds. But then, the fat cells find their way back and usually they brought friends.
Well I have known for some time that a part of the puzzle was that by being overweight I would become less visible to men. Even if a man was attracted to “my personality” I could discount any courting attempts by rationalizing that he could not really want me because there was too much of me.
So now is the time for all grown women to stand and face their fears. Well, at least one grown woman. Is my fear of the attractions and attentions of others because of insecurity or the desire to not let my heart be broken? The insecurity part, yes, definitely. Which is a real puzzle. I am very secure in who I am. I do not, or at least I didn’t believe I needed the approval of others to define who I am and how I am. But at the same time I do not want to be disapproved of. Hence the puzzle.
An eye opening experience came after an intense workout (which is my code for I was really sweaty). I saw my trainer with a client. I took the long way around just to wave at her. It was then I realized that I wanted her to see me at the gym and that I looked like I had been working out. My “ah ha” moment occurred then. Why had I needed her approval? Her acknowledgement of my being there? It was then that I realized that this has been a pattern I have had in place for some time. A pattern that I did not want to keep repeating. I am shedding this weight and I am building these muscles for me. Not for the approval or attentions of others.
I am going to look good, feel comfortable, be flexible, have graceful movements in my own body. I am doing this for myself as well as those I love. I plan on being here for a long time. After all, I want to see and play with my great-grandchildren. I desire to be in a 4-generation picture again. There is a photo where I am with my mother, grandmother and great grandfather. I have a picture of four generations of women in my family where my daughter is the youngest. At the moment I do not have one with my grandbabies with great grandparents. But since it is my goal to be the oldest in a four generation photo I am have my work cut out for me. Do I need someone else’s approval? Yes. I will always need a few in my life to approve of me because that helps me keep me on the straight and narrow. But I realize that what I really need is to approve of myself.